Sunday, 29 January 2012

The Audition

So I walked into the audition room and as far as I remember there was real grass on the floor and daises.
All the members of my esteemed panel of judges sat before me in deck chairs. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber had his trousers rolled up to the calves and a knotted hanky on his head he didn't look up from licking his ice-cream cone as I entered the room and set up my luminous orange tuba on it's special stand that was constructed from a rotary washing line frame or an ironing board (I don't remember exactly which it was).

Mr Motivator was sat in the next chair playing Metallica riffs on some sort of autoharp. He looked up and gave me a huge grin and motivated..... "Beautiful Trumpet",  "It's a Tuba", I insisted, "Though I'm not sure why I brought it, I haven't a clue how to play it".

Cheryl Cole just stared at me, "Why are you here?" I pleaded, my voice reaching the G5 I needed for my song. "Why on earth are YOU here Cheryl? this isn't your area, you can't sing...what the hell...?", She doubled up and stared at me like I had crawled out from under  a stone. "her finger hovered over the security buzzer"

I looked over to Lord Webber for confirmation on my judgement on Ms Cole's credentials to judge an operetta competition but he was now trying to get  pickled egg out of a jar with a pair of chopsticks. Mr Motivator jumped up (far too high) and handed me some dots and I read the title,"Material Girl" "we'd like you to sing this for us please and if you could do the tap dance too." "What tap dance?,"I gasped in the G#5 pitch that I'd worked on all week. "The tap dance, everyone was asked to prepare a 3 hour tap dance"

Cheryl was grinning like a vengeful Cheshire cat (finger still over the buzzer should I refuse my task or question her skill set again) and Sir Andrew was now picking up jellied eels from a polystyrene foam cup with a cocktail stick. Mr Motivator motivated again, "Gary just go out of the door again, there's a pair of ballet shoes for you. Put them on and come back in please"

I went through the door as Sir Webber was tucking into curry sauce and chips from a newspaper in his lap.

The rest of the dream consisted of me looking everywhere for the shoes and not being able to find them and not being able to find the door back into the rehearsal know the sort of thing....

Anyway... I am becoming more terrified by the day....will they recognise that I can sing and that my voice  can be trained up? Well, today I started putting together a fitness and voice course for the next two weeks...... more tomorrow.... the way I figure it, if I do get anywhere near the standard required I may as well start auditioning for other stuff.


  1. Hilarious... Can just hear shredding Master of Puppets on the autoharp:)
    Am pretty much obsessed with this thing myself as well.
    You got any info on the auditions mate? Is it a cappella or with piano/backing track accompaniment? Best of luck with the preparations and take it easy with those G5s!

  2. ITV said there will be no chance to use backing or piano at this stage. That was in the song selection email they sent me.

  3. Nice one, cheers for letting me know. Right on!